Humanity's 2026 Annual Performance Review

Employee: Homo sapiens

Title: Smartest species on Earth (self-reported; references unavailable)

Biggest achievement: Taught computers to think.

First assignment: Make "Per my last email" sound less like a threat.

Overall rating: High potential. Do not leave alone with the office printer.

Notable accomplishments:

Built AI that analyzes millions of data points in seconds.

Still sends "Please see attached" without an attachment.

Put humans on the moon.

Department review: Mortgage & Sales

We've transformed lending with automation, analytics, and CRMs.

Naturally, we used all that technology to build 47 dashboards explaining why loan officers aren't selling enough.

Borrower: "What's my monthly payment?"

Loan officer: "Great question. First, a quick overview of Treasury yields, amortization, and the Federal Reserve."

Borrower: "So... my payment?"

"We'll circle back."

Loan officer: Spends 40 minutes documenting a 12-minute call.

Management: "Make more calls."

Excellent. Give that person a corner office.

Leadership competencies:

"We encourage independent thinking."

Here's your mandatory script.

"We value innovation."

Please obtain six approvals before changing anything.

"We believe in work-life balance."

This inspirational email was sent at 9:47 p.m.

"We're like a family here."

That explains why Thanksgiving feels like a performance review.

Employee self-assessment:

I can explain complicated mortgage guidelines and six-figure financial decisions.

Then walk into the kitchen and forget why I'm there.

I can calculate DTI but can't find my keys.

My dog may be the most emotionally stable member of the household.

He barks at furniture.

Sales performance improvement plan:

Before sending a borrower the 17th "just checking in" text, ask one useful question:

"What's the biggest thing still making this decision difficult?"

When someone asks about payment, answer the payment question. Then explain the details.

When someone hesitates, discover why before reaching for the objection-handling script.

And use AI to reduce paperwork—not to automate pretending to care.

Customers don't need a more efficient way to be misunderstood.

They need someone who listens, tells the truth, and makes a complicated decision easier to understand.

Final assessment:

Our greatest flaw isn't occasional stupidity.

It's our ability to defend it with a PowerPoint presentation.

Final decision: Promotion approved.

Reason: Spoke confidently during the meeting.

Qualifications: Still under review.

Family connections: Exceeds expectations.

We taught machines to sound human.

Maybe our greatest competitive advantage in sales is remembering how to be one.

What's the most brilliantly stupid thing you've witnessed in sales?

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